Are you listening to understand or listening to reply/respond?
| “Me vs. You” Positioning | “Us vs. Problem” Positioning |
|---|---|
| Confrontational | Collaborative |
| Waiting to speak | Listening to understand |
Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Make someone else feel seen, heard, and remembered.
Share with someone who wants to listen or listen to someone who wants to share.
Three Levels of Listening
- “Me” Listening: You’re having a conversation, but your internal voice is relating everything you hear to something in your own life. Your internal voice runs off on tangents, thinking about your own life while the other person is talking about theirs. You’re waiting to speak, not listening to learn. This is the default mode of listening for everyone.
- “You” Listening: You’re having a conversation, and you are deeply focused on what the other person is saying. You are present and intently focused. You’re not waiting to speak, you’re listening to learn.
- “Us” Listening: You’re building a “map” of the other person, understanding how all the new information they are sharing fits into that broader map of their life and world. You’re listening to understand, considering the layers beneath what the other person is saying. 1
Be a “Loud Listener”
- Sounds: Saying “yes” or “uh-huh” or “hmm” to signal listening and encourage continued energy from the speaker.
- Facial Expressions: Changing facial expressions to react physically to the story being told.
- Body Language: Forward lean posture towards the speaker signals engagement and positive energy. Never turn away or sideways, as it signals you are trying to leave a conversation and immediately hurts the energy of a moment.
A good listener is one who helps us OVERHEAR ourselves. 2 When you truly listen, you feel yourself fade away, creating space for the other person to fully express themselves and be their authentic self.
Listen to what is not being said—the unspoken words, the non-verbal cues. Listen intently before replying. Listening with compassion.
Being able to listen well is a superpower—keep asking people “Is there more?”, until there is no more.
“When you listen, you learn.” — The key to effective communication is not telling people everything that you know, but everything that they need to hear. And the only way to know what they need is to LISTEN.
「積極/主動聆聽」是指「從頭到尾很專心/認真地聽完對方說話 3，同時注視對方的雙眼，並且打從心底感興趣/抱持好奇心、給予對方回應並且提出問題，以試圖加深理解」。