“Love is the absence of judgment.” — Dalai Lama
“Love does not cause suffering: what causes it is the sense of ownership, which is love’s opposite.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
= Significant other = Life partner = Soulmate = Best friend = Loved/Plus one
Before Marriage
Who you choose as a partner is the most important decision you’ll ever make in your life. → Marry only for love!
- Choose your husband/wife wisely. This is the person that will be with you on your greatest and worst days. Choose a man/woman that will see you for who you are.
Focus on bettering yourself
- By Charlie Munger
- Q: “How do you find a worthy mate?” → A: “Be worthy of a worthy mate.”
- Q: “How to find a good spouse?” → A: “The best single way is to deserve a good spouse.”
- Attract > Chase
“If you spend your time chasing butterflies, they’ll fly away. But if you spend your time making/mending a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come.” — Mario Quintana
Good Chemistry: a woman/man sitting with a man/woman, suddenly feels very comfortable being a woman/man
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
- Love is a verb, not a permanent state of enthusiasm.
When you find someone you’re willing to give up your natural/innate selfishness for, you’ve found your person.
The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with doing nothing. Life isn’t about the glamorous moments—most of long-term relationships are spent just chilling—quietly sitting around and doing nothing.
- A great romantic relationship is not only finding the person you have fun with, but also finding the person you want to be bored with. The beauty of long-term relationships is often hidden in boring, ordinary moments.
楊絳先生說: 這世界上最不缺的就是，隨處可見的漂亮妞，隨處可見的有錢人和隨處泛濫的愛情。卻唯獨缺少了愛情裡，本不該缺失的那份責任感、安全感還有忠誠。一個人有多好，一點都不重要，一個人對你有多好，才重要。在這個放蕩不羈又充滿誘惑的世界裡，如果有一個人能給你安全感和忠誠，為你承擔那份責任，那他—定比這個世界更迷人。
喜歡是為了得到，愛是為了付出。
喜歡一個人是例外，不喜歡一個人才是常態。
Is this relationship making me fulfilled or just less lonely?
- If a relationship isn’t creating feelings of fulfillment, it won’t last.
- Find the people who create your fulfillment, not just reduce your loneliness.
- Find the rare people who fill your cup; who are willing to crawl through the mud with you, to grow with you, and to build with you.
- Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
[@chapman5LoveLanguages2014]
- Acts of Service: Proactively make your partner’s life easier. Even a small task like cleaning their room counts. This shows that their concerns are your concerns and that their priorities are your priorities.
- Words of Affirmation: Use acknowledgement and encouragement to help your partner feel more confident about their decisions in life.
- Physical Touch: Provide intimacy in whatever way your partner appreciates it.
- Quality Time: Make dedicated time to be with your partner. This doesn’t mean being together in the same room. It means having one-on-one time to focus on how to help each other grow and continue to love each other.
- Receiving Gifts: For some, receiving gifts signals that you remain top of mind for your partner and that they can’t shake the desire to make you feel good. Gifts can be tangible or intangible, expensive or free.
After Marriage
Trust is a vital ingredient in a successful marriage.
Fall deeply. Fail fast. Burn beautifully.
- 「給予對方能夠摧毀自己的力量，但同時相信他們不會這麼做。」
- 「真誠地對待自己與對方；不蹉跎於一段註定會失敗的感情；結束時讓它漂漂亮亮地結束。」
Key elements:
- Unconditional love
- Mutual understanding
Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s feelings — just ask.
When arguing, the goal is come to a consensus, not to “win.”