Communication is not about saying what we think. Communication is about ensuring others hear what we mean.
State the facts and tell the truth. Speak with integrity—say exactly what you mean and mean exactly what you say.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” — Mark Twain
- If you think something, say something. Don’t expect people to guess your thoughts and feelings. Don’t hold a grudge when people didn’t predict what you wanted them to do. Just tell them.
- People can’t read your mind / the thoughts in your head, they can only react to your action/word.
- People who use direct/precise/literal sentences ↔ People who use indirect/shadow/implied/figurative sentences
- It’s better to be direct about almost everything than to play a game of subtle hints and plausibly deniable nudges.
As Neil Strauss said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” I say, “Shared expectations are adaptive gratification.”
- 3 Steps to avoid “unspoken expectations”
- Start with facts and what you expect, specifically (think “painting done”1)
- Describe why it’s an expectation or concern
- Ask a question to invite them into the dialogue
Footnotes
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This means to fully walk through expectations of what the completed task will look like, including when it will be done, how it will be used, the context, the consequences of not doing it, the costs—everything you can think of to paint a shared picture of the expectations. ↩