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人際關係溝通 Pro Tips

Feb 07, 20256 min read

≈ social intelligence ≈ interpersonal dynamics ≈ human interactions

TODO relationships, You are the average of the five people you associate with most

General

  • Dr. Robert Waldinger 1
  • 位置不同，少言為貴；認知不同，不爭不辯；三觀不合，浪費口舌!
  • Every relationship in your life can be placed within a 2x2 matrix based upon:
    1. How healthy it is
    2. How enjoyable it is
  • The “Helped, Heard, or Hugged” Framework
    • Three Elements
      • Helped: Deconstruct the problem and identify solutions.
      • Heard: Listen intently and allow the other person to vent.
      • Hugged: Provide comforting touch
    • “Do you want to be Helped, Heard, or Hugged?”
    • Over the years, my Mr. Fix It mentality created a lot of tense moments with my wife, family, and friends. They’d come to me with a problem and my analytical brain would start firing, deconstructing the problem and its various potential solutions. I always found it puzzling that the other person would often reject my solutions and withdraw (or even get angry with me for offering them).
    • Sometimes people don’t want a solution, they just want you to be there with them.
  • The Go-First Principle
  • Relationships are, by definition, a series of repeated interactions. In those scenarios, the best strategy is called tit-for-tat with forgiveness. 2 If you only play once, the best strategy is to be selfish.
  • Good “inner circle” friendships must be treasured
  • Never leave a conversation without asking “how can I help you?” Everyone subconsciously values reciprocity and aid.
  • Share with someone who wants to listen or listen to someone who wants to share.
  • The 4 stages of attraction
    • Admiration
    • Connection
    • Commitment
    • Compatibility (Do we share the same core values?)
  • Send THANK YOU notes to people you love by regularly scrolling through recent text messages instead of scrolling on social media as a form of procrastination
  • A person’s favorite sound is their name.
  • Keep your circle small. Keep your circle solid.
  • Robin Dunbar: humans are able to maintain ~150 relationships at once (Dunbar’s Number)
  • Money compounds fast but trust compounds even more
  • While small talk has its place, real bonding/conversation happens through sharing vulnerability or ambition.
    • What’s your biggest struggle right now?
    • What are your top 3 life goals?
    • What gives you energy in your work?
  • Shared Struggle
    • builds unbreakable bonds that transcend time and distance.
    • releases oxytocin, a chemical that creates feelings of love and connection.
    • “Trouble shared is trouble halved.” — Lee Iacocca
    • “Nothing makes one feel so strong as a call for help.” — Pope Paul VI
  • If you’re trying to make conversation with someone that you are intimidated by, ask what they’re currently working on that they’re most excited about. It’s a simple question, but it gets them talking and animated. Ask follow ups and listen intently.
  • Four different ways to respond when someone shares news: active constructive, passive constructive, passive destructive, and active destructive. Active constructive responses, which involve genuine engagement and building on the person’s news, are found to be the most energizing
  • How to overcome the straw man argument? use the steelman argument: Instead of going on the attack, we help our opponent to build the strongest possible version of their argument, and then engage with that.
    1. Paraphrase their point (and check to see that the agree) - _So, if I understand you correctly, you’re saying ____. Is that right?
    2. Strengthen their point (and ask if they agree) - _Interesting. You could even take it a bit further and say ____.
    3. Only then, engage with the argument - _That’s a compelling perspective. But, I find myself disagreeing with ____. What do you think?
  • The Principles of Connected Conversation
    • Principle 1: Create Doorknobs (that lead to a story rather than end the conversation)
    • Principle 2: Be a Loud Listener
      • Sounds: Saying “yes” or “uh-huh” or “hmm” to signal listening and encourage continued energy from the speaker.
      • Facial Expressions: Changing facial expressions to react physically to the story being told.
      • Body Language: Forward lean posture towards the speaker signals engagement and positive energy. Never turn away or sideways, as it signals you are trying to leave a conversation and immediately hurts the energy of a moment.
    • Principle 3: Repeat & Follow
      • Repeating key points back to the speaker in your own words and following on with an additional insight, story, or doorknob.
    • Principle 4: Make Situational Eye Contact
      • Deep and connected while they speak.
      • Organic while you speak - It’s ok to gaze off while you think, but use eye contact to emphasize key points and moments in a story.
  • The RASA Framework
    • Receive: focus your attention on what the person is saying.
    • Appreciate: show signs of appreciation.
    • Summarize: sum up in a few words what the person was telling you.
    • Ask a good question.
  • The Vampire Test
    • “Whatever excites you, go do it. Whatever drains you, stop doing it” - Derek Sivers
    • If, after hanging out with someone you feel worn out and depleted, that person is a vampire.
    • If, after hanging out with someone you still feel full of energy, that person is not a vampire.
  • The ideal dynamic relationship involves two people who are independently strong but come together to create a deeply connected, emotionally safe, and attached bond. This is in contrast to a toxic relationship where individuals focus solely on making themselves happy and then expecting to be happy together.
  • While you can’t control an interrupter, what you can do is turn it into a learning experience - Rather than being offended, any time someone interrupts you, see it as a positive opportunity. Stop and hone in, understanding that this is an important issue for them.
  • The 2 Pillars of Strong Relationships
    • High expectations
    • High support
    • High Support without High Expectations is a recipe for mediocrity.
    • High Expectations without High Support is a recipe for disaster.
    • Mean to your face but nice behind your back.
  • Mel Robbins’ Text Message Challenge: If you want to improve any relationship in your life, pull out your phone and send this message to that person: “What can I do to be a better _______ to you?”(partner, friend, son, etc.)
  • There are two red flags to avoid almost all dangerous people:
    • The perpetually aggrieved
    • The angry
  • You don’t know a person until:
    • You travel with them.
    • Money is involved.
    • You deal with them when they’re angry.
    • You live with them.
  • 1/3 的人「喜歡你」，1/3 的人「討厭你」，1/3 的人「隨便你」
  • Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
  • Judge others by intentions, judge ourselves by actions
  • “When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself.” — Earl Nightingale

Footnotes

  1. The Grant & Glueck Study is one of the world’s longest studies on human development & adult life (Harvard Study of Adult Development), conducted by researchers at Harvard University. ↩

  2. If you only play it once, the best strategy is to be selfish, according to game theory. ↩

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